The Final Word on Zombies
Published July 15, 2010
So…apparently there are books for people like you. Books that actually TEACH you how to survive a zombie apocalypse. I just came across The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks (son of Mel Brooks) which–tellingly–has recently sold its millionth copy.
I’ve not read it yet, but apparently included are necessary survival things to know such as (1) a bike is your best friend (no gas required, and hopefully you can ride faster than they can stumble) and (2) an oil rig is THE sweetest hideout on the face of the earth. Who knew? Oh yeah–and guess what? In a recent Shelf Life interview, Max answered that question of who would win in a vamp and zombie battle. His theory? Zombies. Because Zombies “do not need [human] flesh to sustain them. Vampires need blood to sustain them. So therefore, zombies would never have to confront vampires in a stand-up battle. All they have to do is infect the human populace, and the blood supply would dry up and vampires would die.”
Obviously the man knows his undead, which is why this book might be worthwhile for those of you who failed the Facebook Zombie Survival Test. You know, the one that I did NOT fail.
Also, I thought Max’s interview comment on the turning point in his career as a sort of zombie survivalist coach was truly inspiring: “I knew I had turned a corner when I did my first zombie-protection lecture [at Colorado College]…for 45 sweaty minutes and [then] opened the floor up to questions, thinking…they’d ask me questions like, ‘Is Will Ferrell really that funny?’ or ‘Is Tina Fey nice?’” (Um…did I mention Max used to write for Saturday Night Live?) “But the questions were all, ‘If I cut off my arm, can I stop an infection?’ ‘What rifle do you recommend at what range?’ ‘Should I wear body armor?’ They were all actual zombie questions, and I thought maybe I was on to something.”
Oh you were, Max. You were.
And seeing as I’m also somewhat of an expert on the subject of zombie survival (**modestly blushes at my facebook survival score**), I’d be glad to take your own questions on surviving a zombie apocalypse. Ask away, my reading survivalists. Ask away.
Mood noise of the moment? Well…what did you expect?
Tags: Cranberries zombie video, Max Brooks zombie book, zombie survival guide
07.15.2010 / 11:12 am
I definitely own this book. It sits next to my bed. Just in case.
07.15.2010 / 8:03 pm
Just so you know – you totally want me on your compound because I will also last through a zombie attack according to our zombie survival test. I would be a good addition to your human resistance
Here’s my question for you though – what if zombies and vampires attack at the same time? What is our plan of defense?
07.16.2010 / 8:25 am
Emily: I respect you so much. You have no idea.
Lori: I’m so proud to call you my friend *sniff, sniff*. Good job on your score.
As to your question, I think we have two options. Plan A: We allow someone into the compound who we secretly really do NOT like (perhaps due to their terrible kareoke singing voice or some such thing) and use them as our fainting goat. (Have I ever told you about fainting goats? They’re really fascinating creatures.) The problem with this plan being, obviously, actually finding someone we do not like. Hmm… So maybe we should shoot for Plan B: Re-enact scenes from Twilight (you can be Bella and Will can be Edward) and see if that in itself is enough to frighten off the horrific vamps and zombies. If that doesn’t work, see Plan A.
07.17.2010 / 3:32 pm
I’m questioning our friendship right now… Plan B almost sounds like you are willing to use Will and I to test your Plan B theory, and the only problem with that is if it doesn’t succeed, we will end up being your answer to Plan A! (And fainting goats are fascinating, I’m just not ready to be one!)… So I will definitely find someone I don’t like much – or maybe we can create some sort of frankenstein’s monster made of non-human parts, but that will somehow distract our attackers so we can either run, hide, or defeat them. Make that Plan C.
07.17.2010 / 3:43 pm
Heheheh…I actually didn’t mean it that way at all. For the record–I will never use you as a fainting goat, Lori. Never.
07.17.2010 / 8:52 pm
Zombies would win, no question. I know cuz one walks through my house every morning with a hand held out for his coffee.
07.17.2010 / 8:56 pm
Ahahahahahaha…
07.17.2010 / 10:34 pm
I sleep so very sound, knowing that my wife is so well informed… me and my silver plated cruci-stachete. But since we are on the topic, will decapitation actually prevent a zombie attack? According to some experts this is the only way to stop a zombie, but I seem to remember somewhere some headless undeads roaming about the land causing mischief, and couldn’t, as unlikely as the case may be, a disembodied head still bite you if you happened to walk past it?
07.18.2010 / 4:08 pm
Peter – it’s a cricket bat and a cricket bat only.
07.20.2010 / 8:56 am
Haha! Michael
. I think I would carry two because then I could have them hooked to my sides like cool-looking swords. Batter up…
Peter, this is why you should invest in a good, hearty pair of steel-toed rain boots that go thigh-high. Not only are they super attractive (especially when worn with high-water jeans and a tucked in polo), but they’ll save your life more times than not when walking the wasteland of Zombieworld. Also, I’m glad you find my invaluable knowledge so comforting. Remember that the next time you want to disagree with me on anything.